day 59: lessons on memory lane

photograph by whatmegsaid on flickr

Perhaps this may be a little atypical or taboo to write about your ex's during wedding planning but I think it is normal and healthy to think about the men who have shaped your relationship experience, expectations, lessons learned about yourself, about sharing, about being a couple and growing up.

David and I have been friends for years and while I thought that I knew him well before we started dating, there was sooo much more that I didn't know. Birthdays came and went and we were growing up. That's kind of our story. He was there the whole time but I was never foolish for not seeing it then. He is perfect for me now and forever. The boy and the girl dated, loved and learned a few things before he got down on one knee and asked for her hand.

I won't hold out on you now so here are my lessons learned by some of the relationships that shaped my view of commitment, love and passion:

high school: there were two "major" relationships that had an impact and a smaller one that left quite an impression as well. The first was really my first love at age 15. I met him at summer camp. He was everyone's favorite. There were girls at camp that didn't like me because they had been planning to date him the following summer then I showed up. Girls can be so mean! My first love had a very tumultuous family history that was ongoing and a forever kind of thing. The kind of story that you read in the paper and say "oh my god I can't even imagine". But he was none of these things and his family was not him. He was smart, charismatic, athletic, artistic and charrrrming. He never told me his family story nor would anyone else. He wanted me to like him for who he was and for me not to feel sorry for him. He wanted to feel like a normal guy for once, let go and trust someone. I learned very early on that if you are holding someone's heart, you have a responsibility to that person to respect and understand them. My second boyfriend was also from the same camp but we were heading into college. He was funny, and cute, artistic, super smart with eccentric parents who hated me. He adored me but we got together and broke up more than once. I learned that if you feel that something is right, you need to trust your instinct and fight for it. I have such fond memories of our city to CT relationship.

Moving into the city and college, there was one guy that defines those four years and then some. He was a crazy talented actor, dancer and singer. I used to walk to his dorm room door and sit outside while he was practicing singing. It was the most head over heels I had ever been. He was a live for the day person and the biggest people magnet. He was probably the most honest straight talking person I had dated. It was a big breakup for me, one that took over a year or so to get over. Despite how things ended and going through a trying to be friends period too soon, we were very close my senior year and he escorted me to my senior art gallery show (kind of like a final exam). They say that you can't be friends with your ex's; I say not so.

I used to work in the music industry and I had a relationship with a guy that taught me more about sharing, being present, and being an amazing business person and manager without being a jerk. He was the king of small notes and extraordinarily thoughtful gifts. The biggest gift he gave to me (and by this time I was friends with David) was knowing that we don't always fall for the person we say that we are looking for. Every person I've ever had a relationship treated me with respect but I learned what hard work it is to love someone and make it work.

Lastly, and probably not a favorite of my husband to be who honestly is almost devoid of the jealous bone, is the last person I dated before David and I fell in love. He was an Ivy league guy but a free spirit. He traveled everywhere. Um, in the circus. I am not kidding. I learned about being grounded: who has roots, who wants to plant them, who may never plant themselves. And that is the life for many. I wanted roots and through them I have grown so much.

Now that you know way too much about me, are you reminded of past relationships and how they've been a part of you growing up and becoming who you are today?